#im neglecting everything i need to do
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when i was really into genshin, i didnt get raiden so i was stuck wit c6 sara
i ended up cherishing that woman, so i made my tumblr user a shortened version of "chocolatesara" bc those were the two most random things i liked AHAHHAH
so when i read my username i read it as "chalk-sara" STOPSWN
thank u sm for asking tho !!
#chocsra#omg q&a era#chocolatesara#kujou sara was the loml#besides raiden ofc#shes underatted like shes really pretty#my top genshin characters back then were like raiden kazuha and idk sara?#i dont play anymore but navia is SOOO cool#actually i like all the fatui women#and canon tartaglia is rly cool (idk why he was turned into an fboy)#like tartaglias main trait is loyalty#he wouldnt be a cheater just has more than a few screws loose#im neglecting everything i need to do
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I just learned something so incredibly fucked up
#i am trembling#i cannot let this enable my issues with paranoia further! haha! oh my fucking god#im not joking btw im literally physically trembling. how did this happen oh god oh GOD nononono dont let it get to you#i just need to know. was someone like. double dealing? was someone telling him about it#i wouldnt give a shit if they were stalking me online occasionally (well id care a little bit but honestly itd just be kinda fucked)#but if someone was telling him about me and my personal stuff?#stop. i dont want to think about it. i dont want to think it happened. i have to get this out of my head#but still. absolutely fucking deranged.#ESPECIALLY bc apparently he's been saying i “made him think he was abusive'' and that doing that was shitty of me bc he actually#just has bpd??????#sol if you're reading this listen closely: one of my best friends has bpd. diagnosed and everything. so shut the fuck up#much like you've been saying i blamed my adhd for being neglectful (read: not meeting your sky-high standards for Truly Loving You 24/7)#you cannot blame your bpd for what a shit person you've been#repeatedly asking you to work on a flaw that's been hurting me is not telling you you're abusive you fucking prick#get a life‚ learn to care about other people away from what they can do for YOU‚#and LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.#p.s. imagine being mad that people who were friends with both you and your partner didnt suddenly cut the other one off after you broke up#like actually angry at these people. what the actual fuck. you're like a divorced parent upset that their child still talks to their ex-wife#my posts
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Mentally ill boy whines again. Solution: Get Out Of There
#im fucking TRYING too as well and it's just constant fucking roadblocks or my body screaming to self sabotage and quit and kill ourselves an#d ruin our body and flay ourselves and repent and beg for forgiveness for being a body of sin like. GOD. I'm so tired of it!!!!! and i can'#even stop it because i csnt change my innner voice or the weird neurotic way kf thinking bc my brain goes '#'its keeping us safe! safe! safesafesafe!' bc of Oh Boohoo you got '''''neglected'''' as a child and had your needs not met' well mommy and#daddy sajd they loved you grow up. you got 'locked in your room' and had your apologies ignored ok well youre making a BIG deal about this#top crying boohoo you got bullied. you and everyone else#and then when I go well no they way i got treated was fucked. growing up poor fucked us up. you can still be loved and raised unstably and#uffer bc of it it becomes a fucking game to my brain to list every single way we Had It Better and therefore cant be suffering and its like#do you fucking hear what youre saying!!!! amd then!!!!!! i go through this fucking ten times a day and wonder why i struggle with feeling l#like a human being#and this doesnt even touch the whole mature for your age becoming kind of a therapist to your parent and hearing their issues and adults off#loadinf onto you and like. man. no fucking wonder i struggle so much with interpersonal relationships om top of everything else i dont have#a personality until I know what the person needs from me!!!!!!
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My brother apparently got a call from our mom apologizing about some of her behavior when we were kids. He said she was sincere and said I hope I get some apologies myself. Problem is...
I'm past the point of wanting apologies. I've had them from her before. They always come with some backhanded 'but actually it's not my fault for how I acted, I did nothing wrong, and the fact that you are upset by it is hurting me more than I ever hurt you so how dare-'. Or it's followed by her hurting me emotionally and mentally in some new way in the following few months, never actually following through and changing her behavior.
I'm realizing I don't want apologies anymore. There's no apology she can give that I could believe at this point, not it ever matters. I don't want this constant cycle of 'oooh I'm so sorry but actually I'm not and will never change teehee'.
I just want her to leave me alone.
#jacq life#im sick of her#im sick of who she is as a person#if she wasnt my mom id never talk to her#she isnt someone id want to or even do want to be around#she literally just told me she refused to change her niece's dirty diaper (because the niece didnt want to potty train) for two hours#to the point the neice got diaper rash. because my mom neglected her out of her own pride#shes just a despicable person and there arent enough apologies in the world that can make up#for who she chooses to be as a person and for everything shes done to me and the people i love#im genuinely assuming shes on the apology tour because my aunt found out about how she treated her kids#anyways i needed to write this out for my out mental health
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Some days I'm pretty content with my childhood other days I'm ripping my hair out because it just doesn't add up !! someone is hiding things from me !! I don't trust anyone !!
#im studying 'family as a psycosocial context' rn and its been pretty interesting!#and i was talking to my mom an article with an evolutionary perspective#bc we've talked before abt how this area of psychology can come off as dismissive abt socioeconomic factors & put unfair pressure on mothers#so i brought it up bc the paper didnt define parenting in terms of good/bad which was interesting !#but then at the end i said something abt 'the article talks abt abuse which obviously isnt relevant for me'#and she wouldnt answer me but her eyes were all watery and weird and I DONT LIKE THAT#like girl 😟 i was coming to terms with the occasional childhood neglect but abuse ? dont even tell me that bc what#like i know things werent perfect for me growing up but i hate how weird my mom is abt everything#and she starts crying if we get too much into it so i feel a little bad bringing it up#i also feel like when i do get new information abt something in my past it always makes me have a crisis#so maybe its just not worth it ?#bc i do feel like im in a rly good place rn and i dont need to know if i was 'abused' whatever that means#what i do know is bad enough and makes me sad as it is#i think the reason i get so paranoid abt it is because i have trouble remembering the stuff that has been told to me#and some vague things i do remember have been refuted ? so i cant rly trust my own memory#but idk if i can trust anyone else either#i mean i do trust my mom generally but shes so emotional and guilt-prone that im not sure what to believe#what i do know for sure is that there is a lot shes holding back in terms of what shes told me#which i dint love tbh#personal
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new dog in the house happening :>
#still a few months out for prep/the puppy being ready but the final holdout (dad) is officially on board!!!!!!!#puppy time will be REAL……!!!!!!!!#the house has been so empty since paisley passed and im rly excited because im going to be taking point on training/daytime care. i think#it will be very fulfilling and help my mental health greatly . dogy <3#been doing research for hours every day (neglecting pointy objects time Oops) and writing everything down and brainstorming names#im so excited i love dogs incant wait i need to get my hands on a puppy NOW!!!!!!
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ive spent like 20 minutes trying to world this eloquently but i give up; im a big fan of linebeck just. not being capable of watching over kids not the person to be the guardian of a group of young people he struggles to take care of himself at times and has so much shit going on that it takes about one conversation with oshus for the old man to realize that this guy is. not doing great
#this was gonna be like. a jokey post at first juxtaposing oshus’ expectations vs reality with linebeck but im too emotionally drained#so real linebeck talk in the tags bc idk if ive actually talked much abt like. the specific as on why. iwrite and see him the way i do#likr. off the bat i put him at like 19 in ph and im too fucking tired and just. done rn to justify that like whatever kill me if you wish.#like. hes. been throught a lit hes been abused neglected used ignored hurt ridiculed violated deceived hes so fucking tired#hes worn down over the course of ph it causes him to finally like. express his anguish over what hes been theough its cathartic#hes getting pushed but talking to oshus and being around link loosens him up and he fucking. cries properly yknow#he cries about everything and the last bit of ph hes kind of an emotional wreck but hes finally letting himself feel all that shit#he cries he struggles to articulate himself he has a violent public meltdown as he becomes fed up with his reputation#and it all culminates in bellumbeck just. being a really raw examination of what hes been through and how he feels and what to do now#he hates people he has people he wants to kill people he wanted to kill but after bellumbeck its just. hes tired. hes processed everythjng#and then he needs the post ph crew and everyone they meet along the way to just. be a fucking support system for the first time ever#like post ph hes rhe captain he runs the ship he keeps everyone in line he can do that. but hes softer more vulnerable more self doubting#hes kinder and more hesitant but trying new things and being more openly passionate abt his interests#and he keeps working through his trauma he finds out what else it causes problems for and everyone. supports him#hes not capable of like. being any kind of parental figure to link in ph his perspective on like. how to handle kids is fucked#because his perspective on what a normal childhood should look like is kind of a mess#his perspective on relationships is murky on love on adventure on self expression but post ph hes just. free. tired but free#he manages to take naps the group helps him eat properly he learns his physical boundaries and actually does what he loves#idk. im just. man idk. its still measy but like. my version of linebeck is. i really hate the idea that its so out of character its not him#like. idfk what to even say abt that. idfk what ‘in character’ looks like when you hc a character to be masking in canon#when you hc them to be lying and covering things up and just. subdued bc theyre working on stuff#that they lie and exaggerate their own traits on purpose but let the truth through some cracks like what rhe fuck then#i hate it bc i dont see anyone else think of linebeck anything like this so im scared im fucking wrong somehow#im tired. i recently learned that one of my cats has been burrowing under and chilling under a blanket we cover a couch with#its very cute
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It's kind of jarring to be reminded that everyone around me has always had more than me (aside from a select few). Like I just forget until it comes down to something mundane like buying shoes and I don't know my shoe size because for most of my life I've had one pair of shoes that I wear until they break. And it was usually something someone either got me as a gift (horrified that my shoes were wearing out. As if thats not what shoes do when you wear them) or they were passed down and I grew into them.
Like that's just normal for me. It doesn't bother me either, this isn't a pity party. It's just surreal that it bothers other people sometimes
#i don't really feel like ive been that poor either#most of the things i needed and didnt get were things me/my family could have afforded but refused to#i figured 'if I'd rather save up my money to get some new coloring books than to buy some new shoes i probably dont need them that bad'#maybe those are decisions they havent had to make#i cant be jealous because i cant imagine what thats like#i simply cant imagine it#oof now im remembering the only time i actually had to ask for new shoes and i didnt#i was growing out of my shoes and getting blisters from it but i kept putting off getting new shoes#because idk i guess it just didnt bother me that much until it started to hurt really bad#and i didnt want to ask my mom for anything either because yeah#she was the type of parent you dont ask for things from#eventually someone else noticed and said something along the lines of 'if you dont get him new shoes then i will' to my mom#and then she got mad that i didnt tell her?#it was all so confusing to me then but i understand why now. she just wanted to hide the neglect. she didnt really care about anything else#its why everything was fine and she never thought i needed anything until someone else said something about it#even with my eating disorder... she knew what i was doing but she didnt interfere until someone else told her i looked sick#but that wasnt until years after the problem started. funny how that works isnt it
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hello i just wanna say i genuinely like ur observation about nishiki's fighting style and then ya manage to bring it back to ur 'drug addict nishiki' headcanon like it caught me off guard but im also not surprised that is so fair and real of u okay thank u
In a world where drugs dont exist, nishikiyama’s strength comes solely from his anger and i guess he goes to the gym too
#Thanks for the ask !#Yakuza loveblog#its not a headcanon his voice actor said so before he so does drugs and he does it to escape his terrible life ratpark style#i would in fact be more surprised to learn that nishikis rawdogging life i mean hes definitely not religious and i guess he has alcohol but#thats not enough for what he has to endure. we have to give him meth we have to let him do coke#like i have no reason not to believe he goes to the gym because he is literally vain and i bet he works out till he gets a six pack all#one my life sucks two my life sucks on the bench and he drags kiryu there too even though he hates going to the gym because it stanks and#the aircon is always blowing at the worst spots and the overhead lights oohhhh cant stand the bowling alley either he throws the ball as#hard as he can and it doesnt even touch the runway before its smashing into the pins thats why the y5 bowling completion is so easy he#wants to get out of there asap. im off track see everything goes back to kiryu i always neglect nishikiyama. like even kazamas like heres#some drugs now leave me alone and hea like hmm do i snort this or sell it. oh well SNNRRRT. like there is absolutely no reason for his#entire fighting style to be heavy attacks unless hes wired like crazy and its because hes so pissed off all the time plus hes teeming with#like. cocaine. hulking the fuck out. thats why kiryu feels so safe around him because he has every reason to believe that in a pinch nishik#i can grab someones head and pop it like a grape in order to save his life hes seen it happen before it wasnt just because he feels#comfortable and in sync with nishikiyama he literally has seen him punch someone so hard their skull caved in and hes like okay !#thats why he loves fighting him so much its because if nishiki punches him in the head he’ll just have to wake up the next morning in pain#its so fun trust me on this you need to be punched by your brother right now or youll die
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Washed my hair for the first time in a week 🥹🥹 made myself a meal 🥹🥹🥹 gonna maybe do something baking 🥹🥹🥹
#okay im sorry but i need to share some mentally ill thoughts just to get them out of my brain#so uhhh#disordered eating cw#<- like heed that warning please#anyway uhhhhh#i really desperately want to binge eat#bc the last week i have been.. severely neglectful of my physical needs so moral of the story...hungry 🧍#but ive been in this game long enough to know that if i eat a big meal rn....i will fuvking die#like level 5 tummy hurt...will most likely throw the fuck up#so...i am desperately trying to hold myself back from doing that#but every fiber of my being wants me to go into the kitchen and eat everything in sight rapid dog style#like i just had a nice breakfast#i am not physically hungry anymore#but its just the#'I've been without proper nutrients for the last 5 days and now my body wants them all' mixed with the#'i had a stressful week and i know that pack of oreos in the pantry would feel so fucking good'#like its so emotional based#which is even harder to deal with then the physical shit#gooooooooood#why did god have to give his toughest battle ((literally just eating the proper amount of food)) to his dumbest soldier ((me))
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not to be dramatic but this weather is ruining my life
#it's actually reasonably cool rn#but my circadian rhythm is so fucked#ive been trying to fall asleep for hours#i am so exhausted my eyes are toast my head is killing me i look like a zombie but#no dice#i feel like ive just been rotting away these last two weeks#neglecting everything#havent even managed to go to the store#ive just been eating the same pasta with tomato sauce for like#5 days#not doing anything productive not doing anything fun#just. existing#and feeling like utter shit#work is piling up#chores are piling up#i need to get fucking groceries#theres so much i have to do#but im not even managing to be awake during the day#35°C again tomorrow#im going to scream#i want to cry#i hate this#i hate my brain#and i hate it here#anyway ignore me#im fine etc etc#like. im not but im also not gonna kms or whatever lol#also im sorry about all the unanswered messages#tbd
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i guess it's good i had started to re-gain my zest for life and enjoying my life in my body before this happened lol
#safe#i don't know how to tw this so im just going to do a ton ig#tw suicide mention#suicide mention#tw self worth#i was just starting to feel comfortable as an individual#and now i feel like thats all i have#im just#trying to experience myself right now i guess#if this had happened like two months ago that would be really bad cuz i was not doing good#i relapsed and it was bad#im just trying my hardest right now not to#she did it for what ahe needed and what she thought i needed#even if it wasn't what i needed i need to treat it like it is#im focusing on spending more time on others#i neglected to really bond with friends because i knew i can't handle to many people being close so i just foucused on her but now im#gonna get good at being better friends with my friends#since she already broke up with me i can be as cringe as possible#sonic everything babey#its hard to do anything rn because i involved her in everything in my life#sonic is pretty much the only thing i didn't so hes the only thing#other stuff might make me cry and i don't want to scare my sibs#anyway#im choosing a new pfp!#i just get sad looking at this one rn
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Finished my isat playthrough. 💥💥💥
#rat rambles#stars posting#I didn't get to do everything I was planning on doing but I have no regrets god acts 5 and 6 are so fucking good#almost cried like 20 times despite the fact I've watched all this a billion times already lol#although I did get to see a Lot more dialogue than other ppl usually find so that can be my reason#always gotta tripple check everything you never know#also I feel bad for neglecting the doll through my run examining it in act 6 nearly made me cry my eyes out#Im sorry bestie I just didn't feel like going back to dead end rooms over and over again#maybe next run lol#if I do a second playthrough I wanna do it on pc tho I need those achievements#but yeah shakes siffrin violently and slams them into a comfy bed#also me looking at odile and going tee hee (<- thinking abt au stuff)#Ill engage in the horrors later rn Im going to drink some water and appreciate this very good video game
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my vitriolic hate for the parentals only grows btw. everything i overhear is in fact a big fat negative in our relationship
#i am becoming less and less guilty about this the more they cause me grief bc all we fucking do in the polycule is reparent each other#and the ways they have both been horrible has basically been entire emotional neglect and constant abuse for having the gall to live#i have zero respect for them genuinely. i don't fucking care anymore#i barely enjoy moms company anyway because more and more all of our autisms clash#plus she called me codependent once so i stopped being a child around her. so#i really have no more parents anymore. i know my parents hate me. i know it#i dont want to do this anymore#I'm so tired of being alive#i really want to just die right now#fucking. mimi tries to be so sweet but its fucking hard id rather just stop trying to show any sort of love#i hope tht when the parentals look at me all they feel is how much i hate them i NEED them to feel haunted in their own house bc of me.#every one of both of my partners parents have basically been split on me. i was ok with them once until they fucking pushed me enough that#now i literally cannot see them without hate. i hate every one of them for how they treated and still treat my partners and how they make#both my partners dread every second of having to be around them or speak to them or do anything with them#im fucking tired of being treated like they fucking made able bodied children WHEN THEY IN FACT DIDNT. SURPRISE ASSHOLE YOU TRAUMATIZED YOUR#KID INTO DISABILITY#now none of us can fucking function in the world were all 3 disabled stupid autistics who can barely not yell at each other or whatever and#i infact dont blame my partners because i know its not the fucking cause its what they were fucking taught and i have no more grace in me to#give to the parents who raised them. there is no grace for them. there is simply you fucking couldve been better. you failed and you have to#fucking live with the fact that you fucking failed as a parent#i fucking hate everything about the parentals genuinely. there are so much of their lives and interests that i do not respect because their#lives apparently came first over their kids. and i dont care anymore i dont care about reasonable “excuses” i dont fucking care when#i reparent their kid without their fucking input or thought or opinion. fuck off#i fucking hate it here#🥩#🐣#🌤️#original#vent
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Not gonna lie
I dont think I'll ever forgive my parents for how poorly they mishandled our dog's health. I constantly felt as though it was my fault even though I quite literally couldn't do any more than i did. I still feel as though it was my fault. He deserved so much fucking better. I love him, and he had to endure such horrible skin problems because my parents refused to take him to a better vet because they were convinced the one they went to was fine. Even though I protested them for YEARS. I tried so fucking hard to get them to see what was going on but they just let it get worse and worse. They would never listen. And I couldn't take him somewhere on my own because I was a kid with no money. My sibling was too busy to notice. And my mom couldn't accept that it was her fault, and that she could've done better. I think she knows now but is still denying it to herself. My dad, quite frankly, didn't care.
#thinking about it right now because of how neglectful ive felt in regards to my dog's teeth#even though it again is the result of my parents not caring#or not wanting to realize#for fucks sake. they didnt take the other family dog to the vet for YEARS until i coincidentally#almost killed myself and they decided to do things that would make me happy#and why didnt they? because they didnt want to admit they were being neglectful in that regard#but i think it was a wake up call for them#when he had to get a quarter or more of his teeth removed as a result.#im so worried about my dog#they wouldnt LET me get his teeth cleaned for years#and when i got him we had agreed that they would pay for the teeth#and i really thought they would show up. despite the fact that it took me three fucking years to get my own cavity filled bc my#mom is insane about health stuff and im too fucking mentally ill to get a nine to five#and it ended up being a root canal because of it#and i told them time and time again that i would spend my money from my grandparents on his teeth#in a fucking instant#but i dont hsve control of the account. because of course i dont. and i cant help but feel like i failed my dog#even though i dont even know if he'll even need more than one tooth pulled yet#he's everything to me#he keeps me alive#he threw me out of a haze that for sure wouldve otherwise ended up with me bleeding out#so im not being dramatic. hes the reason i get up every day and get out of the house and take care of myself. because i know he loves me and#depends on me. and DON'T say animals dont love the same because for all intents and purposes love is being able to depend on people. that's#what love is. love is about caring for people and being cared for in return#it doesnt matter if he doesnt comprehend things the same. he comforts me when im sad. he lays on me when i have migraines#that's love to me. and i loce that little guy wven when he's an annoying little shit. hes my bro yk?#hes there for me when i need him so I'll always be there for him. shoutoit to my dog for being himself#also ik he does it because i care for his needs. but like. what is platonic and familial love or like love in general i guess if not#reciprocating care? even if it's not the same kind of care it's still care. you provide what the other person needs when they cant provide#it for themself.
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#having A Time tonight#super very emotional talk with my dad and sister#said some things i shouldn't have and im regretting saying anything at all#i really should have just apologized and shut the fuck up#instead i got the knowledge that i cannot tell my dad anything in confidence#and tgat even my siblings can see my parents treat me differently#like to the point where if i pissed off one of my parents enough they wanted to kick me out my other parent wont stop them#literally something my sibling brought up#and what am i doing tomorrow? immediately backtracking and apologizing for everything!#because yes i was abused and neglected but i hurt my dads feelings and made my mom angry so i need to say sorry#honestly i just need to keep it all in until i can get out of here#just wait until then and i wont ever have to speak with them ever again#might still talk ti my dad but idk probably not. i think im too upset with him rn to make that decision#i mean he did pretty much tell ms to my face that he will always side with my mother so#i want out someone help me please#i need a job a place to stay and some way to get places (i cant drive)#just a little bot longer and my schooling will be done and i will have my license and i can work#i cant wait im so excited to work again and be able yo save up and LEAVE
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